Recovery Stories: Moksha's Fibromyalgia and Pain recovery story

A fibromyalgia recovery story, from a Buddhists' perspective.

Prior to the LP I was taking approximately 16 pain killers per day for general fibromyalgia and if I had a specific pain (headache, Irritable Bowel Syndrome etc) as many as twice that number. I was able to work 18.5 hours per week but was utterly exhausted by it and needed to rest on a lunch time and/or when I got home. I was seriously depressed and on anti-depressants. The tablets I was taking were causing severe stomach pain so I was taking anti-acids to counteract that. The amount of tablets I was taking was making me sick. I felt like I was underwater most of the time and that gravity was too heavy for me to deal with. The worst thing was that my future just looked so bleak. I believed that I would have to be cautious with my energy for the rest of my life and my health was only going to deteriorate with age anyway. I could no longer go fell walking or swimming, go to my yoga class, play football or dance (passive language intentional).

By day two of the LP I had stopped taking pain killers, halved my anti-depressants, walked for two hours and jogged for two minutes. But that wasn't the best part, the best thing was that I felt positive about my future and excited about when I could return to the exercises and activities that I love. Instead of allowing my future to close down into a narrowing tunnel I could allow my life to open up to possibilities again. I had choice and I could celebrate the positives without checking for the negatives. I had also reconnected with the deepest values to which I aspire of wisdom and compassion. The crazy thing is that I didn't even learn anything new, all the theory was familiar to me it was just a question of learning how to apply it effectively.
I have conviction now in the power of creative (as opposed to reactive or habitual) thinking. And I understand now why doing ‘positive thinking' doesn't work for me. There are two components essential to the effectiveness of LP when I am practicing it and they are that I need to connect deeply with a life enhancing value and secondly that this value needs to be experienced at a somatic level.

The main tangible improvements since doing the LP workshop have been physical and my main ongoing working ground is with my mental states. I am using the LP to change self limiting and life alienating beliefs such as anxiety, depression even pain and tiredness into calmness, self-worth, comfort and energy. I am feeling staggered at the power of my heart-mind as I have changed pain into comfort and tiredness into energy enough times now to trust the power of the process. I am consciously focusing on the useful aspects of my experience and experiencing an increased level of ease and enjoyment. I am choosing to move in the world like a well person (I used to groan whenever I stood up or sat down and looked like I was shuffling or limping when I walked). I love exercising more and am doing pleasure again around food (chocolate, ice cream, cake, cheese, chips and beer!) I am socialising more and enjoying it, smiling more and making people laugh again and I love that, I love having my sense of humour back. I am more confident in my skills at work and enjoying accepting positive feedback.

Two weeks later I still haven't taken any pain killers and significantly have stopped carrying pain killers in my hand bag. I have burnt my repeat prescription for anti-depressants and will continue to halve the dose until they are finished. I still frequently have life alienating thoughts but there is usually a toilet nearby in which I can do the LP. (I wonder what percentage of LP is practiced in toilets and whether people ever get a conditioned response!)
At the weekend I went for a huge and fantastic walk in the Mendips. I felt some anxiety about the possible payback but using the LP I was able to feel comfort and energy in my legs for the following two days which is amazing. I know it's not positive thinking or over-riding experience; it's bringing something else into being. It's really important for me to remember and appreciate how brilliant it is to feel alive again. I intend to maintain a diary of positive changes to remind me that if I find myself struggling in the future of how effective I can be.  

When I'm engaging in life enhancing thinking I notice more that the world reflects back kindness (bus drivers, tube train staff, shop keepers, random acts of kindness by strangers). When I am engaging in feeling challenged by the world (finances, family, road-rage) I find I can feel resourceful much faster than before and focus on helpful thoughts, feelings and behaviours. I am more confidence now in reaching out to strangers and offering friendship or help as required, I am really enjoying the sense of connection with humanity. If I choose to stay in touch with kindness anything is possible.

Many thanks

Moksha